12 Months Where I Cried More Than I Have Ever Cried In My Life
My father, my hero.
My hero, from the day I opened my eyes and saw you to the day I closed my eyes and sobbed, holding your head in my arms.
My hero, from the day you were diagnosed with cancer to the moment you left me with my prayers, holding your hand in mine.
You were my rock!
Your passing had always haunted me. It had been THE moment I had dreaded all my life. So much so that I had always prayed and prayed to God that the day I lose you, I would have a shoulder to cry on.
12 months and 40 days ago, the news of your advanced-stage cancer struck me so hard that I felt the sky falling on my head, my life coming to an end. The day I had been dreading seemed more real and closer than ever.
12 months later, I feel blessed to have had these 12 months with you, blessed that you had not been snatched away from me, blessed for all the hugs and kisses you have given me, your happy eyes, your smile, and your face lit up when you saw me. Blessed for all the love and affection you have shown me, and your entire family.
12 months of faith, through which I never once asked you how you were without you opening your arms to the sky with gratitude, saying: ”Kattir khayr Allah kel seaa aateneh aktar ma bestehal.” (I thank God every minute, HE has given me more than I deserve) or ”metl el hadid” (as strong as iron). Even at your worst, on your most painful days, voiceless and in between tears, those were constantly your words.
12 months of learning from you, with you, and through you. Lessons of faith and strong will, positivity, and grins… Joy, family, and respect… Dignity, thankfulness, and eternal fighting. Biting life full-on so hard it hurts.
12 months, where watching you cry in pain, as helpless as a baby, broke my heart and paralyzed me for days on end.
12 months where I cried more than I have ever cried in my life, tears I had never let you see.
Yet 12 precious months they were. My longtime prayers were heard. By giving me the chance to share with you 12 months of pain, love and affection, suffering and joy, hugs and kisses, smiles and tears, winks and claps, and the chance to live your last moments with you, watching you take your last breath in peace and serenity, God had given me a shoulder to cry on in HIS own way, and I thank Him for every minute.
12 months in which success, to you, had put on different faces: Happy like a baby, with a cap, sneakers, a sports bag, and your beautiful happy smile on, you looked like a cute little kid, excited for his first trip away from home, when you went back to the pool for your first swim with your buddies after 5 months of treatment. It was your biggest success and ultimate joy.
A short, happy trip that lasted four weeks before hell came back with a vengeance, dimming your light day after day. Making your successes smaller yet harder: From swimming to just walking, to taking a car ride, to barely getting out of bed, to just eating, smiling, and winking, to breathing harder and harder and harder, to slower and slower and slower, to going in peace…
“I brought you to this world and am responsible for you until the day I die.“
Those were your constant words to me for as long as I remember, even three days before you left, your voice was gone, your body 95% vegetable, no words coming out of your mouth, yet you still found it in you to be responsible for me, you still found a way to ask me: “Why are you sad? What is wrong? Do you need anything?”
Why was I sad? What can I say………
I am a lucky woman to have had a father like you for as long as I had.
A father who made me proud every step of the way.
One whose life was not an easy path yet who made it look like it was “a piece of cake”.
One who found joy and fulfillment in helping others.
One who gave generously to his family and even more to strangers who just needed him, and expected nothing in return.
With the life you made for yourself, your memory is alive through generations to come.
The flow of loving people who had come to bid you farewell touched us strongly and, even more so, their memories of you.
Young and old, they all had something to remember you with:
“Mansour Wakim: A monument! The legend of Beit Mery.“
“A man of a different Era.“
“A lesson of life.“
“Un grand chêne.“
“A heart of gold doubled with a real sense of humor.“
“Constantly happy, full of love and affection, and always in a hurry.“
”The young man with the old skin has left us.”
“Who is going to race me to the end of the pool now?”
“As a kid, I used to go to the supermarket and Aammo Mansour used to poke my cheeks.“
“Every time I came with mum to the supermarket, Aammo Mansour put lollipops and chocolate in my pocket.”
86 years young, when for the first time you said to me, ”khatyaret” (I got old): It took you 86 years to feel old. Some people feel old at 45, while you were still wondering why you are feeling old at 86.
Young soul, young spirit, young at heart you were, until the day you left.
I prepared myself and was ready for you to go but then again, even if a 100 years old, how can one ever be ready for their father to leave, let alone a father like you:
A happy man with an unbreakable sense of humor, who still found it in him to wink at me and make a joke when nothing else in his body worked.
A great man whose faith in God was stronger than any pain.
A fighter who refused to surrender.
As much as we were ready, your refusing to give up made it hard for us to let you go.
Being the world traveler that you were, you got all excited that I had a trip coming up and you wouldn’t let me cancel it but you kept your promise and waited for me to come back.
You waited for me but your body did not.
I came back to find you with no words, no voice, only your tired smile, a touch of my hand, and your strong faith… so much excitement in your eyes, yet so much disappointment…
You kept your promise, you waited for me before you started your downhill journey. You saw me… smiled at me… five days later you stopped breathing. You left me with my prayers, holding your hand in mine, and went peacefully on your last trip…
There are no words to describe the love, affection, respect, and appreciation that I have for you. My world will never be the same without you.
I miss you now and always will. My only comfort is having you in me; I will never be alone. I have a happy smiling 86-year-old angel sitting on my right shoulder, making me smile when I want to cry, hugging my pain away, keeping me company, traveling around the world with me until the day I die.
You are the life in my heart, My Father, My Hero.
By Ritta Wakim, founder of The True Vegan Body, who helps people over 40 build a knockout body and get addicted to healthy plant-powered eating.
